Emperor With No Clothes
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Tag Archives: Man United
Fergie says ‘Owen for England’
Ferdinand Confident United Can Lift European Trophy
Global Politics
CCTV Footage Leaks of David De Gea Shoplifting Doughnut
Alex Ferguson Warns That ‘Cavalier Attitude’ Must Stop
Italian Emerges As Favourite To Manage Inter Milan
It has emerged that a managerial newcomer is now the favourite to become the next manager of Italian club Internazionale. Interviews have already taken place between the club and Alessandro Fargutti, the previously unknown manager of lower league club FC Offa. Inter’s owners are said to have been impressed by Fargutti’s presentation which lasted 45 minute and three bottles of the 2008 Pesquera Crianza at £17 a bottle. Afterwards, Fargutti serenaded members of the Inter board with a medley of tunes from Cats before striking himself repeatedly in the testicles with the empties to the tune of the Lone Ranger.
‘He has everything we want in our next manager,’ said club president Massimo Moratti, ‘such as enthusiasm, determination, and a willingness to sign a three month contract’.
Despite a mysteriously empty CV, the youthful Fargutti is said to employ radical training methods such as conducting sessions in English and addressing players as ‘oy you, sonny’. Inter Milan’s fans will hope that he can translate his ambitions into trophies by the end of the season and before being driven away from the stadium, reporters quizzed Fargutti about his imminent appointment. ‘I’ll be happy the moment people forget the name Mancini around here,’ he said. ‘I’ll teach that bugger to upset the status quo.’
Brave Hernandez Resumes Training
First it was concussion and then a bruised shin but Manchester United’s striker Javier Hernandez is not one to allow career threatening injuries to stop him from competing in the game he loves. Just days after succumbing to Ashley Cole’s lethal flying tackle (studs raised, teeth bared, open scissors in back pocket), Hernandez has defied medical science and was this morning back on the pitch at United’s Carrington training ground. Showing no signs of the horrific injury now covered by a band aid, Hernandez is slowly learning to walk again under the expert care of nurse Ms. Vikki Schist (36 23 35).
Hernandez’s injury is thought to be the worst seen in the English game since Tom Cleverley didn’t break his foot two weeks ago.
‘It will be tough for the lad but he’s a fighter,’ admitted Sir Alex Ferguson during Wednesday’s press conference. ‘We might be able to get him on in the second half playing with crutches and assistance from hired help but you expect that. Even the most cynical of us admits that prosthetic limbs are now part of the modern game and if that’s what it takes to get twenty three legs out on the pitch then we’re happy to do just that.’
Hernandez is more circumspect. ‘I pray to the Madonna every night,’ he admitted (in Spanish), ‘so that when I do succumb to the next horror tackle, I might fall on the kind of soft and yielding grass only found in penalty boxes.’ Asked what his dreams of doing once he recovers his mobility, Hernandez said ‘I dream of falling over in penalty boxes’.
One thing is for certain: he intends to be available for selection at the weekend should Sir Alex need somebody to perform a front somersault whilst grabbing his ankle and crying (in Spanish) ‘¡Aiee! It’s broken! It’s broken! I’ll never perform the Mexican hat dance again!’
Long may your castanets click, my friend. Long may they click…
Glazer Floatation Struggles To Raise Investors
Mikey’s Knee
It’s only my second day back after the strange lurgy I suffered last week and I’m already finding that there’s a lack of really good United stories to talk about. I could do some skit about the share floatation but it’s pretty difficult to find an interesting angle on possibly the world’s most boring item of business news. The only talking point is that the Glazers are offering United shares that don’t come with the right to vote. It’s akin to joining the mob and not being able to scratch your balls with your thumb and call everybody Vinny.
The problem with taking a few days away from a blog is that suddenly realise that you have to start again. To fill this gap until I’m fully back into my work, I’m posting the cartoon I drew from my sick bed. Before you point out that my Michael Owen looks nothing like Michael Owen, let me remind you that I was sick. If I could do this again, I’d give him less law and more forehead and whiskers. And not that you’re interested in this sort of thing but it’s the first I’ve drawn completely freehand using a croquill and an Ames guide for the lettering. I hate hand-lettering cartoons simply because my normal handwriting looks like the last death throes of a landlocked octopus but I’d waited months to import one of these Ames guides from America and I had to try it out. Can’t say it helped, though perhaps it’s a touch more readable than other times I’ve attempted lettering.
Finally, many thanks to those of you who have bought the book or contacted me to ask for a copy. Please keep spreading the word.
